Friday, June 25, 2010
I am going to try again on doing the book reviews. I have read 3 novels this past week. 2 were fantastic, 1 was good.
So let's get started.
Marshall Karp really kills in this great novel. I'd even say he slays his audince. However, his weapon of choice his wit. The detective dou of Lomas and Biggs strikes again and again with one-liners.
The plot has so many twist and turns, you need a road map. As an avid mystery and thriller reader I can honestly say I did not see the ending coming. I had no idea who the perp was.
I challenge you to figure it out. Be sure to let me know, how well you did with your sluething.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Most recently, I met my birth father’s brother and his wife. That would be my biological parental uncle and aunt by marriage. Hope, you can follow the genetic limb. More on this subject in a moment.
I was adopted at the age of 4. When I was about 9 months old, my birth mother lost her parental rights. She and I were both put into the foster care system, at different homes. Mamacita was 14 the day she gave birth to me. She turned 15 a week, actually 6 days later. At some point, she ran a way from home, baby on her hip, 1 bottle in her hand and that is all. Rumor is she met a “carny” and didn’t look back. She only came back when I had pneumonia and she didn’t know what to do. This is how I ended up with my mom and dad. I first started out as their foster child.
When I was 4 mom and dad were able to legally adopt me. Yeah!!! I have a home and family. Then about a month later we went to Mississippi for a visit. Turns out we were picking up my baby sister from the hospital. R was going to be adopted, too. I remember one of my big sisters went with us, most of my life I think it’s sister L when it is in fact sister B. (hmmmm)
My mom’s side of the family has always been wonderful and accepting of me. My dad’s family has always referred to me in whispers, as the “adopted one”. Ah, the south—where the women can cut you down and you’ll thank them for it, they’re that good.
Over the years, I have felt “out of sorts” not like a part of anything. I have never really felt like I belonged.
When I was 25, mamacita called my mom and wanted to see me. My choice. I was very confused. There was a part of me that longed for her – a part of me that wanted nothing to do with her. The soft side of me (which to be honest is 96%) won. I could not imagine sitting there waiting on your “child” to call you. Irony is a funny thing. She was out bowling. There went my vision of her sitting around wondering if I will want to speak to her or not. We met, her family had a big party to welcome me. My Aunt V was wonderful and gracious and passed away. Mamacita and I had our ups and downs over the years, it is difficult to find a comfortable relationship after 21 years of no contact. However, after that big party the tears of joy at my “return”, etc. her family went on to only have intermittent contact with me. Mamacita passed away in Jan. 2009. I have a very strong bond with her widow. Her mom left me a message just over a year after her death. I have not rushed to call her back.
Less than a year later, G my birth father called. Mamacita found him and had him call me. He had a very long sad history with kids in his care. Off and on for the past 10 years, we have talked. I have never met him face to face. This past weekend his brother was in town and we met for dinner. WOW! Uncle W and Aunt MMM were wonderful , so nice and kind. Down to earth. Great people. Turns out they adopted C, who was a biological son of G. They were thrilled to meet me and the kids. They said C had a lot of resentment for G. Not ONE of his either two or three siblings’ was alive. None of them even made it to their second birthday! Lots of drama and back story.
When Big B and I were married we decided to be each other’s family. Even more so once we had the kids. I see his sisters, one more than the rest. His dad disowned us. My family moved to AR a few years back.
As wonderful as my in-laws are there are some not so pretty moments. Last Christmas, Granma received a grandmother’s ring. My kids were not on it. I understand, they didn’t neither did their kind-hearted cousin, who asked why their birthstones weren’t listed or on it. J is a sweet sweet boy. A niece recently, made it quite clear at a family get together, I am not invited if ‘granpa’ is present. Duh! I knew this so do my kids, the grandkids on that side of the family. Why point it out? Why?!!!? So, here we are again having kids made to feel left out. Kids notice, dammit. Quit F**** with my kids. There is no reason to make them feel unwelcome or unloved.
Recently, Little Man was telling me how his Aunt T, no longer hugs him good, but kinda pushes him aside to see E & L (her grandkids). I remember a similar scenario with an uncle, grandchild, and balloon. For some reason, as kids get bigger in stature, shoe size and age, people want to bypass them and see the babies. Let’s not forget they are not “big” enough to understand the emotional “diss”. All kids need to be embraced and loved. Family is more than bloodlines, it is heartlines.
My question is now…….Where is my place? Big B is gone, I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Where is my place? I was that little girl looking for her place in a big family. Now, I am that woman, still a little girl inside. The kids go to their dad’s for the weekend, I stay home alone crying or sleeping. This is certainly not the healthy family Big B and I vowed to make together so many years ago. Things change, people break words and promises and all that leaves is a string of broken hearts behind.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
So much has happened. We had a drunk call from Big B. He wanted to come home but would not quit drinking. His stipulations were for him to quit drinking I had to lose 100 lbs. and quit taking ALL of my medicines. Uh--maybe he just wanted an excuse to keep drinking--you think?
Some of his points hit home harder than others.
These days--I still have no energy. None. Zip. Zero. Sleeping all the time. It is an awful feeling. Never did hear anything back from my blood work. It must be ok then, right?
I want to get up and go to church, but sleep through the alarm. Rush getting ready for work and am still late almost every.single.day. WTF?!!!? I hate living like this.
Also, I have always struggled with housekeeping but having no energy and pain out of control (weather + stress=flare up) it never seems to get done. I started physical therapy for my back, which has helped some, but also I have been having raging muscle spasms. If it is not one thing it is another.
I have a sink full of dishes that have literally been there for weeks. The bedroom is a disaster area. Ditto for kids rooms, hallway, front bathroom, and living room. The dogs have made messes everywhere that have not been cleaned properly. The yard is out of control and I don't even have a weed whacker. If I did I am not sure I could use it. I can't find anyone to help out not that I could afford it if I could.
I feel like MY life is spiraling out of control faster than I can mention it. Not that I would. I am too EMBARRASSED. Also, who would understand? I am sure there are few parents like this. My poor KIDS can only take so much. I can only cry to my support so many times.
I swear I have good intentions to change--I just don't have energy, or health to follow through. How many times, can I lie to myself? Unlimited because I buy it every. single. time. Until I sleep through 7 alarms each morning.
Vitamin B12--yep, Iron--yep--none of it helps. I am getting more bloodwork this week. I don't get to follow up with the rheumotologist until June 22. WTF?!!?
I don't know how much more I can handle before I can't handle any more.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
A lot happened over the past few days, but I can't type it all on my phone so it will have to hold.
Tonight I realized why this breakup has been so hard for me to let go (besides the 14yrs and two kids).
Logically, I know Big B is an alcoholic. Emotionally, I can't help but feeling like I failed. Failed me, the kids, the family, and HIM.
Why aren't I enough? Why aren't I enough for you to fight for? to want to try? to love? to have and to hold?
Why aren't I enough? is my heart to black? to kind? do I talk too much? ask too much?
Why aren't I enough?
Logically, I know the bottle will always win. Try telling that to my heart.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
To be honest when I or you indulge in this middle-school adolescent boy behavior it is nothing but guffaws and laughter. Ha Ha. But when my 11 year old daughter does it—well it’s time for the nitroglycerin. I have to admit even though she has been testing me and exploring lately, this really got to me. I may have said one or two things that now make me cringe because they could have came straight from dad’s mouth twentysomethingodd years ago. It went like, “if this is what you are doing at 11, what will you be doing at 13?fucking everyone who comes along, 15? Knocked up?” Yeah, ugly cringeworthy mom. Not breaking the train of pain today, am I?
So, is this normal prepubescent girl behavior? Do I need to worry about the less than virginal hereditary that the women in my bloodline carry? What do I do? We have already had a very long, embarrassing talk. I promised to answer honestly any questions she had—BIG mistake.huge. (name that movie) Maybe it was TMI—I don’t know, we are entering unchartered waters here.
Also, lately we argue and fight all the time. All I want to do is love that girl. She makes it impossible with her mood swings and attitude. Wait. Maybe that’s me. Nope. It is both.of.us.
I really need to go call my mom and apologize now for everything from 9 (early bloomer) on. Up to and including today.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Honestly, this has been way harder than I imagined and I did imagine it would not be easy. On so many levels. Emotionally, physically, parenting, work, home, etc.
Today, I am ready to through in the towel. Ready to beg Big B to come home. Ready to go crawling on my knees. Thanks to a quick talk with my bf, I am going to breathe and wait.
The childrendo. not. listen. Really I am so sick of it, I want to move out. Seriously. Let Big B have them and the sinkfull of dirty dishes, the weeds that are taller than the dogs, the laundry, all of it.
Big B only texts still, he won't talk to me. at. all. Annoying as all get out.
This weekend he took the kids from Sat. 10 AM til Sun. 2 PM. The longest he has had them and the longest I have been alone since mid-January. They went to St. George. I went to bed. The entire time. UnF***ing believable. I feel like all I do is sleep, sleep, and sleep.
Also, I feel bad for how he is living. In a weekly. It's pretty Motel 6. He doesn't have a car and makes tales of the bus very scary.
I think part of the problem is that the kids and I are not taking full advantage of our freedom. Maybe, we need to get out of the house more. I am not sure what the answer is but I need to find one soon. This is taking so much out of me, it's not even funny.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
She is so mean to her precious kids. She has no contol over her temper some days. Yelling, screaming, doling out chores and punishment. Those kids deserve a loving, kind mom. One who will cuddle them and speak to them not screech at them like a banshee. How I long to just grab their little bodies up and hold them next to my warm heart and explain how wrong she is.
She is so obese it is disgusting. Her fat pools around her body in all the typical "fat girl" places. She jiggles just by breathing deeply. I find her so repulsive physically. Let's not mention all the freckles and ill-fitting clothes.
She has lots of your typical obese laden ailments as well; degenterative disc disease (cervical & lumbar), fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis,sleep apnea, sinus, asthma, immune system, just to name a few. There's not a day goes by that I don't hear about her pain or an ouch,moan,etc.
She has little or no true friends. I am sick of her whining about it. Frankly, I don't see how anyone could ever love her. Not even me. Familial blood be damned.
So, I say to myself today--"get away from the damned mirror before you damage me anymore with all the faults you're pointing out to the world!"
Work--Lately, it seems that the only time people see me is to complain. Not only that a lot of the complaints really need to go to the folks above (or higher) than me. ***I work in a school as support staff--the real boss is the administrators***
When I refer the complainers, they just drop it, so I must be some type of sounding board which is fine but some days it gets really old--y'know?
Also, I have been asked to not have my kids at school after school. This really bites because A) It is a school-- a place for kids B) Lots of others have kids with them and they are not necessarily their own C) I am supposed to be the principal's right hand but I feel very picked on by this decision D) It is now a financial issue I did not have in the past.
The kids. The kids have not been listening as well since Big B left. It is very frustrating and every one has an opinion on my parenting or lack of. If I vent, I am advised, and sometimes I just want to let it out--y'know?
$$$ or lack thereof.
Vacation plans, and more unfortunately, I am out of time and gotta run.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The first weekend, Little Miss was Little Miss Attitude. She is getting better, but she still has a lot of anger in there. Luckily, her friend and school counselor has had a few chats with her to giver her a new perspective. Mr. Man is finding his own dash of attitude these days.
I have to ask them repeatedly to do simple things. It has gotten so out of hand, I am sick of hearing myself speak. It is unbelievable.
Last night we discussed consequences. I am going to type up check lists, chore charts, and a list of consequences real quick before I head home.
Big B has seen the kids each Saturday for 4 hours each time. This past Saturday, he took Mr. Man to the liquor store to stock up on Vodka.
On Thursday evening, I received 2 disconnect notices. Big B said I made it up to get money from him, even though he didn’t pay the bills after telling me he did and he saw them, I made sure of that. Furthermore, I am still paying for the cell phones, where the kids can reach him, and he accuses me of this. Unreal.
In addition, work has been very stressful. Basically, life has been overwhelming from A-Z.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Of course, it was hard for me as well. But the focus is on the role of helping my kids through this.
Big B left. Yep. It was the first after all. He had six weeks, notice, and he still does not have any place to go. Turns out—HE. DIDN’T. EVEN. LOOK.
About two weeks ago, he brought home apartment guides, apparently he just read them. No calls, no apartment visits. Nada.
So, after he left Little Miss cried. We finished laundry had cookies and sherbet for dinner and rented a movie. That seemed to help. They both fell asleep watching Mel figure out what women really want.
This morning, there was out typical rushing about, but no more stress than normal, so we’ll see how this afternoon/evening go.
I cannot even get the words out to explain some of the meanness or ways Big B has set up to flitter out of the kids lives. I, of course, pray this doesn’t happen but he is not putting out good vibes. He is mad Mr. Man told him, he doesn’t want him to come home unless he stops drinking.
I told him today via text, “when you decides he wants to find out what it will take for this family to work, let me know.” Apparently, he is still not ready to talk. It has been six weeks not once did he ask, why? Or how to stay. Seriously. I cannot believe the heartlessness of this man I not only married, but reproduced with.
Once, about 10 years ago or so, I asked him what would push him to shut me out of his life like he had so many friends/family. I guess I have my answer, since he is not even talking to me these days.
Que sera sera
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I cannot believe it has been nearly 2 months, since I have posted anything. This astonishes me for a variety of reasons.
- I want to post to help me "let out" my feelings
- So much has happened, I can't believe you don't know what is going on here
- I am so lonely, I thought this blog would help me connect
- I might need advice, and how can I get it, if I am not asking for it?
Okay, so let's get down to the nitty gritty details. On Friday, January 15, I told Bog B, he needed to move out by March 1. There was a lot of things that happened between Dec. 5 and then, that made me decide that. I will try to fill in the details later. Right now, I just need to get these updates out there in the open.
Today, is Sunday, February 21. Does he have an apartment? No idea. He won't answer me. Does he have a plan? see previous answer. Does he have transportation? No, I have been getting up at 5:00 a.m. every week day and taking him to work. Of course, not the day he "borrowed" the car without asking.
Big B has been very mean and nasty through all of this. I am trying everything I can to make this as painless for everyone as possible and all I have done for the last 6 weeks is work, sleep, and stayed locked in my room.
Little Miss is not doing so well with the changes, etc. so I went and adopted two of the sweetest, cutest chihuahuas you have ever seen. I hope it helps, her.
Mr. Man says Big B can't come home unless he has an attitude adjustment or quits drinking.
Overall, it could be worse.
All of my girlfriends are going through some major stuff at the moment, and I just can't seem to open up to them about the hell that I am going through. I know, I know, I should but it just keeps getting stuck. I go to speak and literally my throat closes.
If I am not at work, which is very stressful, I am sleeping. I sleep so much, I am a little worried about me. It is not normal, this amount of sleep.
So now, what do I do if he does not leave next weekend? This is not a silly quesstion--this is what happened two years ago when I tried to seperate. He just never left. Seriously. So, I have a game plan that involves boxes on the porch and new locks. I just pray it does not come down to that. Really. I am not sure I would be able to go through with anything that drastic. I hate confrontation, and he is the father of my adorable babies.
Okay, I really do need to work on bookkeeping, so I will try to write everyday this week. I have some other "pressing issues" to get out there in the open.