tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17588830936230133552024-03-05T18:57:34.595-08:00Sparkle 'n ShineSparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-67364132707571627202010-06-25T15:09:00.000-07:002010-06-25T15:11:17.869-07:00A must readOkay,<br /><br />I am going to try again on doing the book reviews. I have read 3 novels this past week. 2 were fantastic, 1 was good. <br /><br />So let's get started.<br /><br /><br />Marshall Karp really kills in this great novel. I'd even say he slays his audince. However, his weapon of choice his wit. The detective dou of Lomas and Biggs strikes again and again with one-liners.<br /><br />The plot has so many twist and turns, you need a road map. As an avid mystery and thriller reader I can honestly say I did not see the ending coming. I had no idea who the perp was.<br /><br />I challenge you to figure it out. Be sure to let me know, how well you did with your sluething.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-58843478831056512552010-05-28T10:50:00.000-07:002010-05-28T10:54:16.509-07:00Me SquaredDespite the fact that I am rather robust, I have always felt very square. You know, like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Or I am a square, as in nerdy and not cool at all. Either scenario fits how I feel most times currently and how I have felt many many times in the past.<br /><br />Most recently, I met my birth father’s brother and his wife. That would be my biological parental uncle and aunt by marriage. Hope, you can follow the genetic limb. More on this subject in a moment.<br /><br />I was adopted at the age of 4. When I was about 9 months old, my birth mother lost her parental rights. She and I were both put into the foster care system, at different homes. Mamacita was 14 the day she gave birth to me. She turned 15 a week, actually 6 days later. At some point, she ran a way from home, baby on her hip, 1 bottle in her hand and that is all. Rumor is she met a “carny” and didn’t look back. She only came back when I had pneumonia and she didn’t know what to do. This is how I ended up with my mom and dad. I first started out as their foster child.<br /><br />When I was 4 mom and dad were able to legally adopt me. Yeah!!! I have a home and family. Then about a month later we went to Mississippi for a visit. Turns out we were picking up my baby sister from the hospital. R was going to be adopted, too. I remember one of my big sisters went with us, most of my life I think it’s sister L when it is in fact sister B. (hmmmm)<br /><br />My mom’s side of the family has always been wonderful and accepting of me. My dad’s family has always referred to me in whispers, as the “adopted one”. Ah, the south—where the women can cut you down and you’ll thank them for it, they’re that good.<br /><br />Over the years, I have felt “out of sorts” not like a part of anything. I have never really felt like I belonged. <br /><br />When I was 25, mamacita called my mom and wanted to see me. My choice. I was very confused. There was a part of me that longed for her – a part of me that wanted nothing to do with her. The soft side of me (which to be honest is 96%) won. I could not imagine sitting there waiting on your “child” to call you. Irony is a funny thing. She was out bowling. There went my vision of her sitting around wondering if I will want to speak to her or not. We met, her family had a big party to welcome me. My Aunt V was wonderful and gracious and passed away. Mamacita and I had our ups and downs over the years, it is difficult to find a comfortable relationship after 21 years of no contact. However, after that big party the tears of joy at my “return”, etc. her family went on to only have intermittent contact with me. Mamacita passed away in Jan. 2009. I have a very strong bond with her widow. Her mom left me a message just over a year after her death. I have not rushed to call her back.<br /><br />Less than a year later, G my birth father called. Mamacita found him and had him call me. He had a very long sad history with kids in his care. Off and on for the past 10 years, we have talked. I have never met him face to face. This past weekend his brother was in town and we met for dinner. WOW! Uncle W and Aunt MMM were wonderful , so nice and kind. Down to earth. Great people. Turns out they adopted C, who was a biological son of G. They were thrilled to meet me and the kids. They said C had a lot of resentment for G. Not ONE of his either two or three siblings’ was alive. None of them even made it to their second birthday! Lots of drama and back story.<br /><br />When Big B and I were married we decided to be each other’s family. Even more so once we had the kids. I see his sisters, one more than the rest. His dad disowned us. My family moved to AR a few years back.<br /><br />As wonderful as my in-laws are there are some not so pretty moments. Last Christmas, Granma received a grandmother’s ring. My kids were not on it. I understand, they didn’t neither did their kind-hearted cousin, who asked why their birthstones weren’t listed or on it. J is a sweet sweet boy. A niece recently, made it quite clear at a family get together, I am not invited if ‘granpa’ is present. Duh! I knew this so do my kids, the grandkids on that side of the family. Why point it out? Why?!!!? So, here we are again having kids made to feel left out. Kids notice, dammit. Quit F**** with my kids. There is no reason to make them feel unwelcome or unloved.<br /><br />Recently, Little Man was telling me how his Aunt T, no longer hugs him good, but kinda pushes him aside to see E & L (her grandkids). I remember a similar scenario with an uncle, grandchild, and balloon. For some reason, as kids get bigger in stature, shoe size and age, people want to bypass them and see the babies. Let’s not forget they are not “big” enough to understand the emotional “diss”. All kids need to be embraced and loved. Family is more than bloodlines, it is heartlines.<br /><br />My question is now…….Where is my place? Big B is gone, I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Where is my place? I was that little girl looking for her place in a big family. Now, I am that woman, still a little girl inside. The kids go to their dad’s for the weekend, I stay home alone crying or sleeping. This is certainly not the healthy family Big B and I vowed to make together so many years ago. Things change, people break words and promises and all that leaves is a string of broken hearts behind.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-70588267381091686682010-05-18T16:24:00.000-07:002010-05-18T16:40:40.167-07:00Checkin In or is it Out?It's been a while since I have had time to write. I hate that. I really need internet at home, but I cannot, absolutely cannot, afford another bill.<br /><br />So much has happened. We had a drunk call from Big B. He wanted to come home but would not quit drinking. His stipulations were for him to quit drinking I had to lose 100 lbs. and quit taking ALL of my medicines. Uh--maybe he just wanted an excuse to keep drinking--you think?<br /><br />Some of his points hit home harder than others.<br /><br />These days--I still have no energy. None. Zip. Zero. Sleeping all the time. It is an awful feeling. Never did hear anything back from my blood work. It must be ok then, right?<br /><br />I want to get up and go to church, but sleep through the alarm. Rush getting ready for work and am still late almost every.single.day. WTF?!!!? I hate living like this.<br /><br />Also, I have always struggled with housekeeping but having no energy and pain out of control (weather + stress=flare up) it never seems to get done. I started physical therapy for my back, which has helped some, but also I have been having raging muscle spasms. If it is not one thing it is another.<br /><br />I have a sink full of dishes that have literally been there for weeks. The bedroom is a disaster area. Ditto for kids rooms, hallway, front bathroom, and living room. The dogs have made messes everywhere that have not been cleaned properly. The yard is out of control and I don't even have a weed whacker. If I did I am not sure I could use it. I can't find anyone to help out not that I could afford it if I could.<br /><br />I feel like MY life is spiraling out of control faster than I can mention it. Not that I would. I am too EMBARRASSED. Also, who would understand? I am sure there are few parents like this. My poor KIDS can only take so much. I can only cry to my support so many times.<br /><br />I swear I have good intentions to change--I just don't have energy, or health to follow through. How many times, can I lie to myself? Unlimited because I buy it every. single. time. Until I sleep through 7 alarms each morning. <br /><br />Vitamin B12--yep, Iron--yep--none of it helps. I am getting more bloodwork this week. I don't get to follow up with the rheumotologist until June 22. WTF?!!?<br /><br />I don't know how much more I can handle before I can't handle any more.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-25938902055953203642010-05-09T08:16:00.001-07:002010-05-09T08:16:32.822-07:00Happy Mothers Day my beautiful friend. Enjoy yourself today! Love, DebbieSparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-63093609780357674712010-04-19T20:52:00.001-07:002010-04-19T20:52:01.063-07:00How many times can your heart break?How much is the truth you just don't want to see or admit?How many times can I be manipulated? How many times can I fail me?Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-58128379472553253442010-04-09T17:27:00.001-07:002010-04-09T17:27:40.085-07:00At the movies,I expected the boys to sit together.But for little miss to choose to sit alone 3 rows away,well it makes me feel lonely and I just want to cry.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-33946460316638639152010-04-06T00:30:00.000-07:002010-04-06T00:41:05.173-07:00EnoughIt has been a long and germ filled weekend. I had a rhinoscope follwed by a severe inflammation of the sinus'. Next, came the infection and now as par for normal, the bronchitis is setting in. <br /><br />A lot happened over the past few days, but I can't type it all on my phone so it will have to hold. <br /><br />Tonight I realized why this breakup has been so hard for me to let go (besides the 14yrs and two kids).<br /><br />Logically, I know Big B is an alcoholic. Emotionally, I can't help but feeling like I failed. Failed me, the kids, the family, and HIM. <br /><br />Why aren't I enough? Why aren't I enough for you to fight for? to want to try? to love? to have and to hold? <br /><br />Why aren't I enough? is my heart to black? to kind? do I talk too much? ask too much? <br /><br />Why aren't I enough?<br /><br />Logically, I know the bottle will always win. Try telling that to my heart.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-35464064725624107112010-04-01T08:19:00.001-07:002010-04-01T08:19:16.485-07:00My Bro-I-L is in ICU, please keep him in your prayers. Things r better than first thought, but it is a brain injury so its very serious. Thank u. Much love.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-72967058570672528762010-03-31T09:45:00.000-07:002010-03-31T09:46:14.259-07:00For Women not Pre-adolescent girls, thankyouverymuchToday, on the way to work and the friends house, we were running late per our usual routine lately. As we are driving down a busy boulevard, Little Miss is playing with breakfast in my purse and says, “eew, Little Man, look at this.” It was an apple, banana, orange. I saw red. I yanked her hair, it’s all I could reach whilst driving and was very, very angry. She actually tried to rearrange the fruit and say she meant Roy as in Roy G. Biv. Red (apple), orange (self explanatory), yellow (banana). Not bad for an off the top cover. But in my Nancy Drew like sleuthing noticed that her original arrangement was red, yellow, orange—not quite right and she was moving the fruit around as she explained. <br /><br />To be honest when I or you indulge in this middle-school adolescent boy behavior it is nothing but guffaws and laughter. Ha Ha. But when my 11 year old daughter does it—well it’s time for the nitroglycerin. I have to admit even though she has been testing me and exploring lately, this really got to me. I may have said one or two things that now make me cringe because they could have came straight from dad’s mouth twentysomethingodd years ago. It went like, “if this is what you are doing at 11, what will you be doing at 13?fucking everyone who comes along, 15? Knocked up?” Yeah, ugly cringeworthy mom. Not breaking the train of pain today, am I?<br /><br />So, is this normal prepubescent girl behavior? Do I need to worry about the less than virginal hereditary that the women in my bloodline carry? What do I do? We have already had a very long, embarrassing talk. I promised to answer honestly any questions she had—BIG mistake.huge. (name that movie) Maybe it was TMI—I don’t know, we are entering unchartered waters here. <br /><br />Also, lately we argue and fight all the time. All I want to do is love that girl. She makes it impossible with her mood swings and attitude. Wait. Maybe that’s me. Nope. It is both.of.us.<br /><br />I really need to go call my mom and apologize now for everything from 9 (early bloomer) on. Up to and including today.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-40846755657432540462010-03-29T10:50:00.000-07:002010-03-29T11:26:53.175-07:004 weeks and countingIt has been four weeks today, since Big B moved out. A lot of things have happened in these last few weeks. Some good, some not so good, and some just plain ugly.<br /><br />Honestly, this has been way harder than I imagined and I did imagine it would not be easy. On so many levels. Emotionally, physically, parenting, work, home, etc.<br /><br />Today, I am ready to through in the towel. Ready to beg Big B to come home. Ready to go crawling on my knees. Thanks to a quick talk with my bf, I am going to breathe and wait.<br /><br />The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">children</span>do. not. listen. Really I am so sick of it, I want to move out. Seriously. Let Big B have them and the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">sinkfull</span> of dirty dishes, the weeds that are taller than the dogs, the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">laundry</span>, all of it.<br /><br />Big B only texts still, he won't talk to me. at. all. Annoying as all get out.<br /><br />This weekend he took the kids from Sat. 10 AM til Sun. 2 PM. The longest he has had them and the longest I have been alone since mid-January. They went to St. George. I went to bed. The entire time. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">UnF</span>***<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ing</span> believable. I feel like all I do is sleep, sleep, and sleep.<br /><br />Also, I feel bad for how he is living. In a weekly. It's pretty Motel 6. He doesn't have a car and makes tales of the bus very scary.<br /><br />I think part of the problem is that the kids and I are not taking full advantage of our freedom. Maybe, we need to get out of the house more. I am not sure what the answer is but I need to find one soon. This is taking so much out of me, it's not even funny.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-4579718986215882182010-03-24T21:16:00.001-07:002010-03-24T21:16:04.538-07:00Now my kids are imitating Big B and trying to gain control by refusing to speak to me. Just like he always does. How much do I have to suffer emotionally?Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-83914697943722028942010-03-24T20:20:00.001-07:002010-03-24T20:20:46.883-07:00Hi.Just a quick note.I have been way to busy, err umm, at work to "goof off" and write a "real" post. I'll be back soon. I promise. I have a light week on Mon.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-62130699448522103652010-03-19T22:55:00.001-07:002010-03-19T22:55:40.654-07:00So, remeber how I said I was lonely? It's near 11 pm and I am having a panic attack. There's no one to call or turn to at this late hour. How do I handle this?Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-30611475832522378412010-03-19T18:19:00.001-07:002010-03-19T18:19:12.476-07:00I wish I were a bag of bones and not a barrel of fat.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-15798860525430446082010-03-19T17:10:00.001-07:002010-03-19T17:10:01.389-07:00Today @ ur neighborhood Sonic Drive-In. One FREE Value Menu Item 6pm-9pm only. Mention this txt when ordering. Frwd 2 ur friends. This is LEGIT 3/19/2010.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-49273054355265342782010-03-18T19:15:00.000-07:002010-03-18T19:35:56.675-07:00Hating......Hating.....I am so angry I feel like I can honestly say for the very first time in my life I Hate someone. <br /><br />She is so mean to her precious kids. She has no contol over her temper some days. Yelling, screaming, doling out chores and punishment. Those kids deserve a loving, kind mom. One who will cuddle them and speak to them not screech at them like a banshee. How I long to just grab their little bodies up and hold them next to my warm heart and explain how wrong she is. <br /><br />She is so obese it is disgusting. Her fat pools around her body in all the typical "fat girl" places. She jiggles just by breathing deeply. I find her so repulsive physically. Let's not mention all the freckles and ill-fitting clothes. <br /><br />She has lots of your typical obese laden ailments as well; degenterative disc disease (cervical & lumbar), fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis,sleep apnea, sinus, asthma, immune system, just to name a few. There's not a day goes by that I don't hear about her pain or an ouch,moan,etc.<br /><br />She has little or no true friends. I am sick of her whining about it. Frankly, I don't see how anyone could ever love her. Not even me. Familial blood be damned. <br /><br />So, I say to myself today--"get away from the damned mirror before you damage me anymore with all the faults you're pointing out to the world!"Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-54299757029486945392010-03-18T18:30:00.001-07:002010-03-18T18:30:35.285-07:00I was thinking even if I were to have 2nd thoughts,I couldn't even act on them since Big B won't even talk to me.He doesn't even answer the phone about the kidsSparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-27462841453813339132010-03-18T16:50:00.000-07:002010-03-18T17:00:46.995-07:00Common StressorsRecently I mentioned stress so I thought I would let you in on some of my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">stressors</span>.<br /><br />Work--Lately, it seems that the only time people see me is to complain. Not only that a lot of the complaints really need to go to the folks above (or higher) than me. ***I work in a school as support staff--the real boss is the administrators***<br />When I refer the complainers, they just drop it, so I must be some type of sounding board which is fine but some days it gets really old--<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">y'know</span>?<br /><br />Also, I have been asked to not have my kids at school after school. This really bites because A) It is a school-- a place for kids B) Lots of others have kids with them and they are not necessarily their own C) I am supposed to be the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">principal's</span> right hand but I feel very picked on by this decision D) It is now a financial issue I did not have in the past.<br /><br />The kids. The kids have not been listening as well since Big B left. It is very <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">frustrating</span> and every one has an opinion on my parenting or lack of. If I vent, I am advised, and sometimes I just want to let it out--<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">y'know</span>?<br /><br />$$$ or lack thereof.<br /><br />Vacation plans, and more unfortunately, I am out of time and gotta run.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-9777630871146923772010-03-16T16:17:00.000-07:002010-03-16T16:18:06.887-07:00Catching UpIt has been about 2 weeks since Big B moved out. So far, I am not able to get to the blogging as often as I wish I could. I really need to make a greater effort to record these days.<br /><br />The first weekend, Little Miss was Little Miss Attitude. She is getting better, but she still has a lot of anger in there. Luckily, her friend and school counselor has had a few chats with her to giver her a new perspective. Mr. Man is finding his own dash of attitude these days.<br /><br />I have to ask them repeatedly to do simple things. It has gotten so out of hand, I am sick of hearing myself speak. It is unbelievable. <br /><br />Last night we discussed consequences. I am going to type up check lists, chore charts, and a list of consequences real quick before I head home.<br /><br />Big B has seen the kids each Saturday for 4 hours each time. This past Saturday, he took Mr. Man to the liquor store to stock up on Vodka. <br /><br />On Thursday evening, I received 2 disconnect notices. Big B said I made it up to get money from him, even though he didn’t pay the bills after telling me he did and he saw them, I made sure of that. Furthermore, I am still paying for the cell phones, where the kids can reach him, and he accuses me of this. Unreal.<br /><br />In addition, work has been very stressful. Basically, life has been overwhelming from A-Z.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-43759913024076214122010-03-02T11:03:00.001-08:002010-03-02T11:03:59.857-08:00Breaking Up Is Hard To DoLast night, was one of the hardest nights of being a mom. <br /><br />Of course, it was hard for me as well. But the focus is on the role of helping my kids through this.<br /><br />Big B left. Yep. It was the first after all. He had six weeks, notice, and he still does not have any place to go. Turns out—HE. DIDN’T. EVEN. LOOK.<br /><br />About two weeks ago, he brought home apartment guides, apparently he just read them. No calls, no apartment visits. Nada.<br /><br />So, after he left Little Miss cried. We finished laundry had cookies and sherbet for dinner and rented a movie. That seemed to help. They both fell asleep watching Mel figure out what women really want.<br /><br />This morning, there was out typical rushing about, but no more stress than normal, so we’ll see how this afternoon/evening go.<br /><br />I cannot even get the words out to explain some of the meanness or ways Big B has set up to flitter out of the kids lives. I, of course, pray this doesn’t happen but he is not putting out good vibes. He is mad Mr. Man told him, he doesn’t want him to come home unless he stops drinking.<br /><br />I told him today via text, “when you decides he wants to find out what it will take for this family to work, let me know.” Apparently, he is still not ready to talk. It has been six weeks not once did he ask, why? Or how to stay. Seriously. I cannot believe the heartlessness of this man I not only married, but reproduced with.<br /><br />Once, about 10 years ago or so, I asked him what would push him to shut me out of his life like he had so many friends/family. I guess I have my answer, since he is not even talking to me these days. <br /><br />Que sera seraSparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-12382421210357508282010-02-21T14:59:00.000-08:002010-02-21T15:18:18.434-08:00UpdatingHi.<br /><br /><br />I cannot believe it has been nearly 2 months, since I have posted anything. This astonishes me for a variety of reasons.<br /><ul><li>I want to post to help me "let out" my feelings</li><br /><li>So much has happened, I can't believe you don't know what is going on here</li><br /><li>I am so lonely, I thought this blog would help me connect</li><br /><li>I might need advice, and how can I get it, if I am not asking for it?</li></ul><p>Okay, so let's get down to the nitty gritty details. On Friday, January 15, I told Bog B, he needed to move out by March 1. There was a lot of things that happened between Dec. 5 and then, that made me decide that. I will try to fill in the details later. Right now, I just need to get these updates out there in the open.</p><p> </p><p>Today, is Sunday, February 21. Does he have an apartment? No idea. He won't answer me. Does he have a plan? see previous answer. Does he have transportation? No, I have been getting up at 5:00 a.m. every week day and taking him to work. Of course, not the day he "borrowed" the car without asking.</p><p> </p><p>Big B has been very mean and nasty through all of this. I am trying everything I can to make this as painless for everyone as possible and all I have done for the last 6 weeks is work, sleep, and stayed locked in my room.</p><p> </p><p>Little Miss is not doing so well with the changes, etc. so I went and adopted two of the sweetest, cutest chihuahuas you have ever seen. I hope it helps, her. </p><p> </p><p>Mr. Man says Big B can't come home unless he has an attitude adjustment or quits drinking.</p><p> </p><p>Overall, it could be worse.</p><p> </p><p>All of my girlfriends are going through some major stuff at the moment, and I just can't seem to open up to them about the hell that I am going through. I know, I know, I should but it just keeps getting stuck. I go to speak and literally my throat closes. </p><p> </p><p>If I am not at work, which is very stressful, I am sleeping. I sleep so much, I am a little worried about me. It is not normal, this amount of sleep. </p><p> </p><p>So now, what do I do if he does not leave next weekend? This is not a silly quesstion--this is what happened two years ago when I tried to seperate. He just never left. Seriously. So, I have a game plan that involves boxes on the porch and new locks. I just pray it does not come down to that. Really. I am not sure I would be able to go through with anything that drastic. I hate confrontation, and he is the father of my adorable babies.</p><p> </p><p>Okay, I really do need to work on bookkeeping, so I will try to write everyday this week. I have some other "pressing issues" to get out there in the open.<br /></p><p></p>Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-12933041944453587072009-12-29T12:22:00.000-08:002009-12-29T12:30:06.465-08:00Holidays<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMip62b3su6xgp7BUQtyrCZn0IpffW-Iwi86SYjq_kNwX0z-dNmKE_vWEpbWEaal12mcQXaGEPnA9skqUrGBi3NDJo-sAEI_vtOM96doBZmHnT-DkIqnOi4D7XqTVuJq5qSf_yQrxVeG4/s1600-h/j0408842.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5420758091846039090" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMip62b3su6xgp7BUQtyrCZn0IpffW-Iwi86SYjq_kNwX0z-dNmKE_vWEpbWEaal12mcQXaGEPnA9skqUrGBi3NDJo-sAEI_vtOM96doBZmHnT-DkIqnOi4D7XqTVuJq5qSf_yQrxVeG4/s320/j0408842.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Well, well, well. I have been cruising past my favorite blogs and notice there is an alarming trend going on out there. Either everyone is fibbing in hopes of getting on the nice list next year or my life just sucks. There seem to have been quite a few (gasp!) Happy Holidays this season. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Really? Were they really happy or are you just doped up on candy canes and sugar plums?</div><br /><div><br />My holiday was not one of the worst I have had in my life, but it was far from the best. Honestly, I thought I had finally broken the curse of Christmas angst last year. Guess I was wrong.</div><br /><div><br />Since, there were some financial issues; I shopped Tuesday evening after work. Wednesday, I had my spine injections. Count me out most of the day. Now we can get to the Drama.</div><br /><div><br />Wednesday evening, despite promises to, Big B refused to take the family to see the Gift of Lights @ Sunset Park. I couldn’t take the kids due to the anesthesia given earlier in the day, I could not drive. Also, Big B informed me he wanted to take the daughter out of town for the weekend to bond like he did with our son the previous weekend. He wanted to leave Friday afternoon. Santa was scheduled to come Saturday, since it is a 24/7 town, he makes special arrangements for working parents. Lots of tears and umm discussion over this. Ultimately, I left it up to Little Miss and Big B to work out a schedule. I figured the less I said the better off it would be. Turns out that was a good plan.</div><br /><div><br />Thursday morning we were up and out early. This was my first time ever—A) cooking a Christmas meal; B) cooking for more than 4 people; C) cooking at my Sis-In-Law’s; D) making some of my mom’s traditional holiday favorites. (Big B knew how big of a deal this was for me. I've been in the family almost 14 years and never been asked to cook before)</div><br /><div><br />The cooking and cleaning went great. I was so excited to make this for the family. We had <strong>Turkey</strong>, Ham, <strong>Mashed Potatoes and Gravy</strong>, <strong>Green Beans w/onion and bacon</strong>, Corn, <strong>Sweet Potato Casserole</strong>, <strong>Cornbrea</strong>d, Rolls, <strong>Cornbread Stuffing</strong>, <strong>Ambrosia Salad</strong>, and Marie Callendar’s Pie for dessert. It was delicious. It only took a half dozen calls for advice or so. (<strong>Dishes I made</strong>)</div><br /><div><br />During the entire day, which everyone knew how important it was to me, Big B never called once. Sometime during the evening, his sis and the boy both called him and he never answered. We got home at 9 pm or so, and he was there. Honestly, on the way home, I was a little worried, 15 hours and not one word on Christmas Eve. Really?</div><br /><div><br />Friday, we had plans to spend with friends since Big B had to work. Little Miss wanted to stay home with daddy where he wouldn’t be alone. I had to lay down the law. It is Big B’s choice to stay home. You are a child and I expect you to attend, I RSVP’d as a family. You will go.</div><br /><div><br />I left their house feeling overwhelmed and sad. **more on this later**</div><br /><div><br />Saturday morning, Santa came. It was very nice. Big B and Little Miss took off around noon. Mr. Man and I cleaned. Then we had dinner and a movie out. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I have to admit I am so freaking tired of being a single mom every single holiday or birthday. It is very old. <em>Even in a room full of loved ones, I am lonely</em>.</div>Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-67911723054244364492009-12-22T13:40:00.000-08:002009-12-22T13:48:56.348-08:00DADSDads—Not sure if that should be some form of plural or not. Grammar is not one of my strengths. <br /><br />I was toying with a different idea for this post, but a few things over the past 48hours or so, has me thinking about dads and dads with their kids. <br /><br />I adored my daddy when I was a little girl. I was “daddy’s little girl.” Now in my blended family of 8 kids, I cannot claim to be the first ever daddy’s little girl in our family, but I’m fairly positive I was the last. I am number 7 of 8; and 6 of 7 girls. When I was little I wore my crown with pride. I was the only child in the house that was allowed in the special drawer for gum, I went on day business trips with him, we had donuts most Saturday mornings at the local shop, I ran lots of errands with him, helped change the oil, etc. Pretty much I was his little sidekick. Much to his (and my mother’s) dismay—I repeated many things he said, often at a very inappropriate time and/or place. Boy was I forever getting in trouble over things I repeated.<br /><br />Somewhere around 12 or 13, things started to change. He didn’t want me to hold his hand, or hug him as often. It was very strange. In some ways, one of the former “daddy’s little girls,” in the family had a lot to do with it. She so kindly pointed out, the impropriety of a girl my age being that close with him—Thank you for that. Not.<br /><br />A couple more years and he added in name calling and suspicion. The trust we always had was gone. Honestly, I do not recall breaking the trust. It was just gone. I have my suspicions. See above reference to other female relations. He would call me tramp, whore, etc. Jezebel—yep Jezebel and many other things.<br /><br />Now, during my reign as Princess, he was not perfect. One of the things I will never forget he said was “You are so stupid you can’t poor piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the bottom.” <br /><br />Not to say there weren't a lot of good things, too. There were I'm just saying not even your hero is faultless.<br /><br />There is much more I could delve into, but I won’t because this is about dads and not just mine.<br /><br />Big B (my spouse) had a bad dad. He was mean, verbally abusive, and this is the worst in my opinion—neglectful. When Big B was about 12 or so his folks moved 3hrs away to UT, he stayed home with a 96yr. old grandfather for 4 to 5 days a week. They would come home for a few days at a time. Big B got into some bad stuff. He did recover. <br /><br />After we married, the two of them had a huge fight and quit talking for 12 years. <br /><br />After much soul searching (needling from me) Big B returned a call to his dad 2 years ago and attempted reconciliation. It went well for about 6 weeks, and then all hell broke loose. Last year we received a lovely letter from him calling him horrible names and quite frankly I could not believe you could say such hateful things to the baby you held just hours old.<br /><br />If you can still keep up, let’s fast forward to the future.<br /><br />Big B is a good dad. Except when he has been drinking which is most every night. So we have a good 10 hours of “good time” with him. (this includes work time)<br /><br />This past weekend he spent 60, yes 60 one-on-one hours with our son. I’ve heard it went very well. After the fact, he admitted he was nervous since I have always been there to step in or he knew, he could go gamble or whatever if he wanted. He said he’d like to do this with our daughter, and I agreed. I told him at her age (11) she needs to solidify that bond. I don’t want her to become a statistic of a girl looking for love in every other guys pants. <br /><br />Then Sunday night, the kids and I went with my brother and sister to a Christmas Event. We were home late and the boy (9) was helping to put the wheelchair away, when he hit the couch Big B was sleeping on. Big B went on to tell him, “(Son) you’re just not that smart. You should have went around the other way.” So, Monday before the drinking commenced, I confronted him and he gave son a (in my humble opinion) a very lame-assed apology. It went in circles about math and age smart, and sorry I hurt your feelings dude. Not <em>'I was way out of line and only an ass would talk to a kid the way I did you</em>,' which is what I was expecting for him. Since, I was neither party and son accepted the apology I kept my mouth shut. <br /><br />So, I was re-telling the story of the lame apology and the young-un, says, “Well, aren’t the kids used to Big B saying stupid things?” Ummmmmm, hello? What do you mean? She says don’t you tell me about his big mouth every couple of weeks or so? How he says dumb things to them?<br /><br /><blockquote><p>Do I? I mean have I made it acceptable for my children to accept verbal<br />abuse, since I don’t have the cajones to leave an alcoholic? I can<br />rationalize my staying every which way but up, but how fair am I being to<br />them? They even tattle when he gets his “soda”. They found out about<br />the drinking during our darkest days (more on that later) It was hard for<br />them to deal with, especially since they take D.A.R.E. in school, etc.</p><p><strong>These are the things I am thinking about dads today.</strong> </p></blockquote>Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1758883093623013355.post-58201325820611942452009-12-17T13:10:00.000-08:002009-12-17T13:11:46.963-08:00Coping with Alzheimer’sMy dad has Alzheimer's and has for years. He has been doing fairly well considering. Aricept had really helped slow the progress of the disease. Then all of a sudden, wham, it is progressing rather swiftly.<br /><br />We went to visit (they moved away 4 yrs ago why? why?) and he took my son to get their traditional haircut together. Mom and I were watching from the car outside. Luckily. He comes walking out and totally forgot that cute little boy in the barbers chair was his grandson. I later ask JR why didn’t he stop Papa from leaving and he says “Mom, I looked up and wham he was gone—I didn’t know what to say—it scared me.” Then I went into the barber to make sure he was paid, and the man was telling me about it—so, I had to let him know I was aware and keeping an eye on him. God Bless the barber—he really looks after my dad when he goes in there.<br /><br />Also, we arrived on Sunday night. By Monday, he forgot who we were. My former bro-in-law spends a lot of time at their farmhouse and often times, dad is asking—“Fannie, who is that guy in the ______ backyard? Living room? Patio? you get the idea.<br /><br />The family, to cope, we laugh and joke. Sometimes, it seems mean. There are certain rituals that he has that we imitate often. But we all talked about it and decided since it wasn’t mean spirited and helped us cope. Why not? Of course—when we are burning in hell for doing this, we’ll have the answer to why not?<br /><br />But this strong, brilliant man has changed so much it breaks my heart and I know if he could see himself, he would be so embarrassed. I hate the anger that he has. But what really kills me is seeing him cry. He has become so emotional and cries over everything. He is 83--one of the strong silent generation. To see him curled up sobbing like one of my children just rips my heart out.<br /><br />My half-sisters--their mom also went through this though much more rapid. I see little symptoms in one of them. It worries me. Of course most days I worry me, too.Sparkle Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10822613712476180419noreply@blogger.com1