Friday, May 28, 2010

Me Squared

Despite the fact that I am rather robust, I have always felt very square. You know, like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Or I am a square, as in nerdy and not cool at all. Either scenario fits how I feel most times currently and how I have felt many many times in the past.

Most recently, I met my birth father’s brother and his wife. That would be my biological parental uncle and aunt by marriage. Hope, you can follow the genetic limb. More on this subject in a moment.

I was adopted at the age of 4. When I was about 9 months old, my birth mother lost her parental rights. She and I were both put into the foster care system, at different homes. Mamacita was 14 the day she gave birth to me. She turned 15 a week, actually 6 days later. At some point, she ran a way from home, baby on her hip, 1 bottle in her hand and that is all. Rumor is she met a “carny” and didn’t look back. She only came back when I had pneumonia and she didn’t know what to do. This is how I ended up with my mom and dad. I first started out as their foster child.

When I was 4 mom and dad were able to legally adopt me. Yeah!!! I have a home and family. Then about a month later we went to Mississippi for a visit. Turns out we were picking up my baby sister from the hospital. R was going to be adopted, too. I remember one of my big sisters went with us, most of my life I think it’s sister L when it is in fact sister B. (hmmmm)

My mom’s side of the family has always been wonderful and accepting of me. My dad’s family has always referred to me in whispers, as the “adopted one”. Ah, the south—where the women can cut you down and you’ll thank them for it, they’re that good.

Over the years, I have felt “out of sorts” not like a part of anything. I have never really felt like I belonged.

When I was 25, mamacita called my mom and wanted to see me. My choice. I was very confused. There was a part of me that longed for her – a part of me that wanted nothing to do with her. The soft side of me (which to be honest is 96%) won. I could not imagine sitting there waiting on your “child” to call you. Irony is a funny thing. She was out bowling. There went my vision of her sitting around wondering if I will want to speak to her or not. We met, her family had a big party to welcome me. My Aunt V was wonderful and gracious and passed away. Mamacita and I had our ups and downs over the years, it is difficult to find a comfortable relationship after 21 years of no contact. However, after that big party the tears of joy at my “return”, etc. her family went on to only have intermittent contact with me. Mamacita passed away in Jan. 2009. I have a very strong bond with her widow. Her mom left me a message just over a year after her death. I have not rushed to call her back.

Less than a year later, G my birth father called. Mamacita found him and had him call me. He had a very long sad history with kids in his care. Off and on for the past 10 years, we have talked. I have never met him face to face. This past weekend his brother was in town and we met for dinner. WOW! Uncle W and Aunt MMM were wonderful , so nice and kind. Down to earth. Great people. Turns out they adopted C, who was a biological son of G. They were thrilled to meet me and the kids. They said C had a lot of resentment for G. Not ONE of his either two or three siblings’ was alive. None of them even made it to their second birthday! Lots of drama and back story.

When Big B and I were married we decided to be each other’s family. Even more so once we had the kids. I see his sisters, one more than the rest. His dad disowned us. My family moved to AR a few years back.

As wonderful as my in-laws are there are some not so pretty moments. Last Christmas, Granma received a grandmother’s ring. My kids were not on it. I understand, they didn’t neither did their kind-hearted cousin, who asked why their birthstones weren’t listed or on it. J is a sweet sweet boy. A niece recently, made it quite clear at a family get together, I am not invited if ‘granpa’ is present. Duh! I knew this so do my kids, the grandkids on that side of the family. Why point it out? Why?!!!? So, here we are again having kids made to feel left out. Kids notice, dammit. Quit F**** with my kids. There is no reason to make them feel unwelcome or unloved.

Recently, Little Man was telling me how his Aunt T, no longer hugs him good, but kinda pushes him aside to see E & L (her grandkids). I remember a similar scenario with an uncle, grandchild, and balloon. For some reason, as kids get bigger in stature, shoe size and age, people want to bypass them and see the babies. Let’s not forget they are not “big” enough to understand the emotional “diss”. All kids need to be embraced and loved. Family is more than bloodlines, it is heartlines.

My question is now…….Where is my place? Big B is gone, I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Where is my place? I was that little girl looking for her place in a big family. Now, I am that woman, still a little girl inside. The kids go to their dad’s for the weekend, I stay home alone crying or sleeping. This is certainly not the healthy family Big B and I vowed to make together so many years ago. Things change, people break words and promises and all that leaves is a string of broken hearts behind.

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