For Women not Pre-adolescent girls, thankyouverymuch

Today, on the way to work and the friends house, we were running late per our usual routine lately. As we are driving down a busy boulevard, Little Miss is playing with breakfast in my purse and says, “eew, Little Man, look at this.” It was an apple, banana, orange. I saw red. I yanked her hair, it’s all I could reach whilst driving and was very, very angry. She actually tried to rearrange the fruit and say she meant Roy as in Roy G. Biv. Red (apple), orange (self explanatory), yellow (banana). Not bad for an off the top cover. But in my Nancy Drew like sleuthing noticed that her original arrangement was red, yellow, orange—not quite right and she was moving the fruit around as she explained.

To be honest when I or you indulge in this middle-school adolescent boy behavior it is nothing but guffaws and laughter. Ha Ha. But when my 11 year old daughter does it—well it’s time for the nitroglycerin. I have to admit even though she has been testing me and exploring lately, this really got to me. I may have said one or two things that now make me cringe because they could have came straight from dad’s mouth twentysomethingodd years ago. It went like, “if this is what you are doing at 11, what will you be doing at 13?fucking everyone who comes along, 15? Knocked up?” Yeah, ugly cringeworthy mom. Not breaking the train of pain today, am I?

So, is this normal prepubescent girl behavior? Do I need to worry about the less than virginal hereditary that the women in my bloodline carry? What do I do? We have already had a very long, embarrassing talk. I promised to answer honestly any questions she had—BIG mistake.huge. (name that movie) Maybe it was TMI—I don’t know, we are entering unchartered waters here.

Also, lately we argue and fight all the time. All I want to do is love that girl. She makes it impossible with her mood swings and attitude. Wait. Maybe that’s me. Nope. It is both.of.us.

I really need to go call my mom and apologize now for everything from 9 (early bloomer) on. Up to and including today.

4 weeks and counting

It has been four weeks today, since Big B moved out. A lot of things have happened in these last few weeks. Some good, some not so good, and some just plain ugly.

Honestly, this has been way harder than I imagined and I did imagine it would not be easy. On so many levels. Emotionally, physically, parenting, work, home, etc.

Today, I am ready to through in the towel. Ready to beg Big B to come home. Ready to go crawling on my knees. Thanks to a quick talk with my bf, I am going to breathe and wait.

The childrendo. not. listen. Really I am so sick of it, I want to move out. Seriously. Let Big B have them and the sinkfull of dirty dishes, the weeds that are taller than the dogs, the laundry, all of it.

Big B only texts still, he won't talk to me. at. all. Annoying as all get out.

This weekend he took the kids from Sat. 10 AM til Sun. 2 PM. The longest he has had them and the longest I have been alone since mid-January. They went to St. George. I went to bed. The entire time. UnF***ing believable. I feel like all I do is sleep, sleep, and sleep.

Also, I feel bad for how he is living. In a weekly. It's pretty Motel 6. He doesn't have a car and makes tales of the bus very scary.

I think part of the problem is that the kids and I are not taking full advantage of our freedom. Maybe, we need to get out of the house more. I am not sure what the answer is but I need to find one soon. This is taking so much out of me, it's not even funny.

Now my kids are imitating Big B and trying to gain control by refusing to speak to me. Just like he always does. How much do I have to suffer emotionally?

Hi.Just a quick note.I have been way to busy, err umm, at work to "goof off" and write a "real" post. I'll be back soon. I promise. I have a light week on Mon.

So, remeber how I said I was lonely? It's near 11 pm and I am having a panic attack. There's no one to call or turn to at this late hour. How do I handle this?

I wish I were a bag of bones and not a barrel of fat.

Today @ ur neighborhood Sonic Drive-In. One FREE Value Menu Item 6pm-9pm only. Mention this txt when ordering. Frwd 2 ur friends. This is LEGIT 3/19/2010.

Hating......

Hating.....I am so angry I feel like I can honestly say for the very first time in my life I Hate someone.

She is so mean to her precious kids. She has no contol over her temper some days. Yelling, screaming, doling out chores and punishment. Those kids deserve a loving, kind mom. One who will cuddle them and speak to them not screech at them like a banshee. How I long to just grab their little bodies up and hold them next to my warm heart and explain how wrong she is.

She is so obese it is disgusting. Her fat pools around her body in all the typical "fat girl" places. She jiggles just by breathing deeply. I find her so repulsive physically. Let's not mention all the freckles and ill-fitting clothes.

She has lots of your typical obese laden ailments as well; degenterative disc disease (cervical & lumbar), fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis,sleep apnea, sinus, asthma, immune system, just to name a few. There's not a day goes by that I don't hear about her pain or an ouch,moan,etc.

She has little or no true friends. I am sick of her whining about it. Frankly, I don't see how anyone could ever love her. Not even me. Familial blood be damned.

So, I say to myself today--"get away from the damned mirror before you damage me anymore with all the faults you're pointing out to the world!"

I was thinking even if I were to have 2nd thoughts,I couldn't even act on them since Big B won't even talk to me.He doesn't even answer the phone about the kids

Common Stressors

Recently I mentioned stress so I thought I would let you in on some of my stressors.

Work--Lately, it seems that the only time people see me is to complain. Not only that a lot of the complaints really need to go to the folks above (or higher) than me. ***I work in a school as support staff--the real boss is the administrators***
When I refer the complainers, they just drop it, so I must be some type of sounding board which is fine but some days it gets really old--y'know?

Also, I have been asked to not have my kids at school after school. This really bites because A) It is a school-- a place for kids B) Lots of others have kids with them and they are not necessarily their own C) I am supposed to be the principal's right hand but I feel very picked on by this decision D) It is now a financial issue I did not have in the past.

The kids. The kids have not been listening as well since Big B left. It is very frustrating and every one has an opinion on my parenting or lack of. If I vent, I am advised, and sometimes I just want to let it out--y'know?

$$$ or lack thereof.

Vacation plans, and more unfortunately, I am out of time and gotta run.

Catching Up

It has been about 2 weeks since Big B moved out. So far, I am not able to get to the blogging as often as I wish I could. I really need to make a greater effort to record these days.

The first weekend, Little Miss was Little Miss Attitude. She is getting better, but she still has a lot of anger in there. Luckily, her friend and school counselor has had a few chats with her to giver her a new perspective. Mr. Man is finding his own dash of attitude these days.

I have to ask them repeatedly to do simple things. It has gotten so out of hand, I am sick of hearing myself speak. It is unbelievable.

Last night we discussed consequences. I am going to type up check lists, chore charts, and a list of consequences real quick before I head home.

Big B has seen the kids each Saturday for 4 hours each time. This past Saturday, he took Mr. Man to the liquor store to stock up on Vodka.

On Thursday evening, I received 2 disconnect notices. Big B said I made it up to get money from him, even though he didn’t pay the bills after telling me he did and he saw them, I made sure of that. Furthermore, I am still paying for the cell phones, where the kids can reach him, and he accuses me of this. Unreal.

In addition, work has been very stressful. Basically, life has been overwhelming from A-Z.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Last night, was one of the hardest nights of being a mom.

Of course, it was hard for me as well. But the focus is on the role of helping my kids through this.

Big B left. Yep. It was the first after all. He had six weeks, notice, and he still does not have any place to go. Turns out—HE. DIDN’T. EVEN. LOOK.

About two weeks ago, he brought home apartment guides, apparently he just read them. No calls, no apartment visits. Nada.

So, after he left Little Miss cried. We finished laundry had cookies and sherbet for dinner and rented a movie. That seemed to help. They both fell asleep watching Mel figure out what women really want.

This morning, there was out typical rushing about, but no more stress than normal, so we’ll see how this afternoon/evening go.

I cannot even get the words out to explain some of the meanness or ways Big B has set up to flitter out of the kids lives. I, of course, pray this doesn’t happen but he is not putting out good vibes. He is mad Mr. Man told him, he doesn’t want him to come home unless he stops drinking.

I told him today via text, “when you decides he wants to find out what it will take for this family to work, let me know.” Apparently, he is still not ready to talk. It has been six weeks not once did he ask, why? Or how to stay. Seriously. I cannot believe the heartlessness of this man I not only married, but reproduced with.

Once, about 10 years ago or so, I asked him what would push him to shut me out of his life like he had so many friends/family. I guess I have my answer, since he is not even talking to me these days.

Que sera sera