Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Checkin In or is it Out?

It's been a while since I have had time to write. I hate that. I really need internet at home, but I cannot, absolutely cannot, afford another bill.

So much has happened. We had a drunk call from Big B. He wanted to come home but would not quit drinking. His stipulations were for him to quit drinking I had to lose 100 lbs. and quit taking ALL of my medicines. Uh--maybe he just wanted an excuse to keep drinking--you think?

Some of his points hit home harder than others.

These days--I still have no energy. None. Zip. Zero. Sleeping all the time. It is an awful feeling. Never did hear anything back from my blood work. It must be ok then, right?

I want to get up and go to church, but sleep through the alarm. Rush getting ready for work and am still late almost every.single.day. WTF?!!!? I hate living like this.

Also, I have always struggled with housekeeping but having no energy and pain out of control (weather + stress=flare up) it never seems to get done. I started physical therapy for my back, which has helped some, but also I have been having raging muscle spasms. If it is not one thing it is another.

I have a sink full of dishes that have literally been there for weeks. The bedroom is a disaster area. Ditto for kids rooms, hallway, front bathroom, and living room. The dogs have made messes everywhere that have not been cleaned properly. The yard is out of control and I don't even have a weed whacker. If I did I am not sure I could use it. I can't find anyone to help out not that I could afford it if I could.

I feel like MY life is spiraling out of control faster than I can mention it. Not that I would. I am too EMBARRASSED. Also, who would understand? I am sure there are few parents like this. My poor KIDS can only take so much. I can only cry to my support so many times.

I swear I have good intentions to change--I just don't have energy, or health to follow through. How many times, can I lie to myself? Unlimited because I buy it every. single. time. Until I sleep through 7 alarms each morning.

Vitamin B12--yep, Iron--yep--none of it helps. I am getting more bloodwork this week. I don't get to follow up with the rheumotologist until June 22. WTF?!!?

I don't know how much more I can handle before I can't handle any more.

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