Hating......

Hating.....I am so angry I feel like I can honestly say for the very first time in my life I Hate someone.

She is so mean to her precious kids. She has no contol over her temper some days. Yelling, screaming, doling out chores and punishment. Those kids deserve a loving, kind mom. One who will cuddle them and speak to them not screech at them like a banshee. How I long to just grab their little bodies up and hold them next to my warm heart and explain how wrong she is.

She is so obese it is disgusting. Her fat pools around her body in all the typical "fat girl" places. She jiggles just by breathing deeply. I find her so repulsive physically. Let's not mention all the freckles and ill-fitting clothes.

She has lots of your typical obese laden ailments as well; degenterative disc disease (cervical & lumbar), fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis,sleep apnea, sinus, asthma, immune system, just to name a few. There's not a day goes by that I don't hear about her pain or an ouch,moan,etc.

She has little or no true friends. I am sick of her whining about it. Frankly, I don't see how anyone could ever love her. Not even me. Familial blood be damned.

So, I say to myself today--"get away from the damned mirror before you damage me anymore with all the faults you're pointing out to the world!"

Holidays

Well, well, well. I have been cruising past my favorite blogs and notice there is an alarming trend going on out there. Either everyone is fibbing in hopes of getting on the nice list next year or my life just sucks. There seem to have been quite a few (gasp!) Happy Holidays this season.

Really? Were they really happy or are you just doped up on candy canes and sugar plums?

My holiday was not one of the worst I have had in my life, but it was far from the best. Honestly, I thought I had finally broken the curse of Christmas angst last year. Guess I was wrong.

Since, there were some financial issues; I shopped Tuesday evening after work. Wednesday, I had my spine injections. Count me out most of the day. Now we can get to the Drama.

Wednesday evening, despite promises to, Big B refused to take the family to see the Gift of Lights @ Sunset Park. I couldn’t take the kids due to the anesthesia given earlier in the day, I could not drive. Also, Big B informed me he wanted to take the daughter out of town for the weekend to bond like he did with our son the previous weekend. He wanted to leave Friday afternoon. Santa was scheduled to come Saturday, since it is a 24/7 town, he makes special arrangements for working parents. Lots of tears and umm discussion over this. Ultimately, I left it up to Little Miss and Big B to work out a schedule. I figured the less I said the better off it would be. Turns out that was a good plan.

Thursday morning we were up and out early. This was my first time ever—A) cooking a Christmas meal; B) cooking for more than 4 people; C) cooking at my Sis-In-Law’s; D) making some of my mom’s traditional holiday favorites. (Big B knew how big of a deal this was for me. I've been in the family almost 14 years and never been asked to cook before)

The cooking and cleaning went great. I was so excited to make this for the family. We had Turkey, Ham, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, Green Beans w/onion and bacon, Corn, Sweet Potato Casserole, Cornbread, Rolls, Cornbread Stuffing, Ambrosia Salad, and Marie Callendar’s Pie for dessert. It was delicious. It only took a half dozen calls for advice or so. (Dishes I made)

During the entire day, which everyone knew how important it was to me, Big B never called once. Sometime during the evening, his sis and the boy both called him and he never answered. We got home at 9 pm or so, and he was there. Honestly, on the way home, I was a little worried, 15 hours and not one word on Christmas Eve. Really?

Friday, we had plans to spend with friends since Big B had to work. Little Miss wanted to stay home with daddy where he wouldn’t be alone. I had to lay down the law. It is Big B’s choice to stay home. You are a child and I expect you to attend, I RSVP’d as a family. You will go.

I left their house feeling overwhelmed and sad. **more on this later**

Saturday morning, Santa came. It was very nice. Big B and Little Miss took off around noon. Mr. Man and I cleaned. Then we had dinner and a movie out.

I have to admit I am so freaking tired of being a single mom every single holiday or birthday. It is very old. Even in a room full of loved ones, I am lonely.

Coping with Alzheimer’s

My dad has Alzheimer's and has for years. He has been doing fairly well considering. Aricept had really helped slow the progress of the disease. Then all of a sudden, wham, it is progressing rather swiftly.

We went to visit (they moved away 4 yrs ago why? why?) and he took my son to get their traditional haircut together. Mom and I were watching from the car outside. Luckily. He comes walking out and totally forgot that cute little boy in the barbers chair was his grandson. I later ask JR why didn’t he stop Papa from leaving and he says “Mom, I looked up and wham he was gone—I didn’t know what to say—it scared me.” Then I went into the barber to make sure he was paid, and the man was telling me about it—so, I had to let him know I was aware and keeping an eye on him. God Bless the barber—he really looks after my dad when he goes in there.

Also, we arrived on Sunday night. By Monday, he forgot who we were. My former bro-in-law spends a lot of time at their farmhouse and often times, dad is asking—“Fannie, who is that guy in the ______ backyard? Living room? Patio? you get the idea.

The family, to cope, we laugh and joke. Sometimes, it seems mean. There are certain rituals that he has that we imitate often. But we all talked about it and decided since it wasn’t mean spirited and helped us cope. Why not? Of course—when we are burning in hell for doing this, we’ll have the answer to why not?

But this strong, brilliant man has changed so much it breaks my heart and I know if he could see himself, he would be so embarrassed. I hate the anger that he has. But what really kills me is seeing him cry. He has become so emotional and cries over everything. He is 83--one of the strong silent generation. To see him curled up sobbing like one of my children just rips my heart out.

My half-sisters--their mom also went through this though much more rapid. I see little symptoms in one of them. It worries me. Of course most days I worry me, too.